One of the best things about being an active member of a local chapter of the
PCA is that you get to meet a lot of interesting people. And, contrary to the
popular stereotype of Porsche owners as unemployed rich people, we are a
diverse lot. We have members who are mechanics, accountants, tradesmen,
lawyers, florists, doctors, students, retirees, and housewives. We have teenage
members, young adult members, middle-age members and members in their 80's.
We have Buddhists, Christians, Jews, and Agnostics. Just about any way you
choose to slice it, the membership is diverse. However, this doesn't mean that
people who own Porsches can't be categorized in other ways. I find that I can
pigeonhole individuals based on some other measures. It's fun to do this, since
it strips each person of his individuality and allows me to simplify my world.

Basically, I classify owners based on how they use their cars and to a lesser
extent on what kind of Porsche they drive (or want to drive, since some of our
members don't have cars). Here with, my list, in no particular order — with
special emphasis on my personal biases and stereotypes.

THE WORRIER
The WORRIER is the Porsche owner (usually a new owner) who frets constantly
about every detail regarding his baby. Most of us are WORRIERS to some degree
when we get our first Porsche. WORRIERS will approach everyone in the Club
about which weight and brand of oil they should use in their car. They'll get on
the internet and research endlessly trying to find the best leather conditioner,
aromatherapy wax, herbal car wash, tire pressure gauge, etc. They'll change
their oil every 500 miles and replace the air in their tires because it might be
stale. They'll short-shift their car at 2500 RPM just to make sure it doesn't get
over-revved (even though the previous owner may have regularly banged it up
against redline). The WORRIER won't corner his car hard because that would
place undue strain on the delicate chassis. These guys are usually cured when
they discover that their anal behavior has actually done more damage than
good to their car; "Well, sir, you car runs like crap because the valves and
combustion chambers are totally carboned up -you should run this thing hard
through the gears every once in awhile to clean it out." Or: "I'm sorry sir, but
your paint was damaged by leaving the bra on your car while it was raining."
If the WORRIER isn't cured quickly he may evolve into the undesirable "QUEEN."

TECHNOS
Everyone knows who the TECHNO is, he's the guy that can quote by memory
the entire text of Karl Ludvigsen's massive Porsche - Excellence Was Expected.
TECHNOS are useful as Club pets because at many events you don't have
internet access to the Library of Congress. They can answer most of your
Porsche-related questions right off the top of their head. If you want to have
some fun, ask a TECHNO a question that he can't answer - he'll be up for three
days straight trying to figure it out so he can preserve his honor. They can
drive any kind of Porsche, it doesn't really matter, they see themselves more
as experts on Porsche lore rather than active participants in the Porsche driving
experience.

STATUS CONSCIOUS
Peter Schutz, former president of Porsche, once said: "for some people, a
Porsche is nothing more than a fur coat, it's something you wear, not something
you drive". Peter was describing the STATUS owner. It is extremely unlikely that
you will ever meet one of these owners at a Club event. Why? Because they
don't know that the Club exists, and they wouldn't join it if they did. These are
the people that create the unfavorable Porsche owner stereotype. They
overdress, wear too much gold, park in handicapped zones, have bad traffic
manners, and look down their noses at everyone. If you happen to meet one
of them in say, a parking lot, and you are not driving your Porsche the
conversation could go something like this:

You: "Nice 993, how do you like it?"

STATUS owner: "Actually it's not a '93, it's a '97 'Porsh' Carrera. I like it okay,
but you have to shift it a lot and my wife's Lexus rides much better. I might
trade it for a Boxer, they ride smoother and you can get an automatic in them.
I know a guy at the dealership"

This guy knows absolutely nothing about Porsches except what they cost. The
Porsche Gods created STATUS owners so the rest of us could get good used
cars. When the status effect of the car wears off and they discover that
Porsches "ride like sports cars", STATUS owners sell them and move on to
Lincoln SUV's or stretch Hummers. Meanwhile, we all suffer.

THE GARAGE QUEENS
These are the guys who will only drive their Porsches if they are going to a
Concours — and only if they absolutely have to. Even if a concours requires
that a car be driven rather than trailered, a QUEEN will try to figure how he
can trailer it surreptitiously within a few blocks of the show. then push it to
the event (so he doesn't stir up any dirt in the engine compartment).

If you are unlucky enough to have a car that he perceives as competition,
beforewarned. The QUEEN will carefully scrutinize your car while wearing a facial
expression like he is examining a turd. The QUEEN often has very good knowledge
of the historical details of his car because that knowledge relates directly to how
the car can be scored in a concours. This knowledge also allows him to lose first
place with dignity: "I guess John deserved to win first place, although I am
surprised that the judges ignored the fact that he didn't have original tread-
pattern Continentals on his car".

GARAGE QUEENS wouldn't think of driving their cars "hard" because they didn't
buy them to drive, they bought them to collect trophies. The best thing about
QUEENS is that you probably won't see them at any events other than concours
or shows unless they also own a "driver" Porsche (see "Cautions and Warnings").
The only exception to all of this drivel is the QUEEN that owns and shows a truly
classic Porsche (904, 959, Speedster, etc). Usually you will find that this type
of QUEEN will actually drive his car (even the Porsche factory pulls out the 917's
once in awhile so they can flog them on a race track).

WILD-ASS GEAR HEADS
These are basically hot rodders who have chosen Porsches instead of Hemi-
Cudas. The car sitting at the lop of the GEARHEAD pyramid is the aircooled
Turbo. Most serious GEARHEAD cars are faster than their track-car counter-
parts. These cars are so highly modified that they even scare their owners.
As a matter of fact, this is the ultimate goal. GEARHEADS won't stop tweaking
until their cars have taken on a "you'd better watch your ass with me" attitude.

When you get close to a serious GEARHEAD car you can feel all the little hairs
on your body stand on end—kind of like you were part of a static electricity
exhibit at Science City. If you talk to one of these guys, they invariably have
a tremendous amount of respect for their cars (the ones that don't are already
dead). GEARHEADS like to talk ABOUT the time that their cars jumped up in the
air and changed lanes when they grabbed fourth gear at 120 miles per hour.
The cars are immaculate, except for little smears on the paint caused by hitting
bugs at 150 miles per hour (on the way to the Club breakfast).

GEARHEADS usually don't show up for many of the Club events because they
are too busy doing things like having their pistons ceramic-coated or installing
962 water-cooled heads and 917 rotor/caliper assemblies on their cars. When
they aren't tweaking their cars they relax by looking for roads in neighboring
counties or states where they can "run her up to 180" without worrying about
cops or other drivers. I like these guys, but I don't really want to ride with them.

THE WATERBOYS
These are water-cooled Porsche owners. Although this category obviously
includes 928s, 924s, Boxsters, and the new 911s. I'm thinking particularly of
944s, and 968s. They are usually a friendly lot, even though they know that
the purists are always thinking, "real Porsehes aren't water-cooled".

WATERBOYS are well tolerated these days because the turbo versions of these
cars are so fast and viceless on the track. If you are an air-cooled owner and
you persist in tormenting a WATERBOY, he's likely to get fed up and challenge
you to a lap or two at Heartland Park. Personally, I like WATERBOYS, because
they really seem to enjoy their cars and they drive them "as they were intended".
Besides, the new water-cooled Porsches are the best Porsches yet in terms of
performance, and like it or not, they represent the future of the marque.

THE PORSCHE PURIST
This is the guy that would make Dr. Porsche proud. He is what I aspire to be
when I grow up. He owns any model of Porsche. First and foremost, the PURIST
knows that Porsches are made to be driven. His car is clean and well maintained
and may have been mildly modified with upgrades such as tires, wheels, a raspy
exhaust system, etc.

He's owned this car for awhile and he drives it regularly. His car will inevitably
show the wear and tear of being a daily driver. It means that this car will
probably never win a concours. But, over the years, his car will begin to acquire
a well-worn patina, similar to the kind that you would find on that jack-knife
that your grandfather carried around in his pocket for 40 years. Unless you are
also a PURIST, he is having more fun with his Porsche than you are - no matter
what you are doing with yours.

Editor's note: this saga will conclude soon. Look for THE OLD GUARD MEMBER.
CAUTIONS AND WARNINGS and THE OTHER GUYS.